The $1 Million Secret Global Whiskey Of Awesomeness You Must Own Now - The Whiskey Wash

The $1 Million Secret Global Whiskey Of Awesomeness You Must Own Now

Word has leaked onto the Internet today of a global whisk(e)y project cobbled together by the various spirits giants which will bring together the rarest of rare whiskies from Ireland, Scotland and the United States. This most limited of limited edition releases, which currently has not a set time for actual release to a public hungry to scoop up anything with “rare whiskey” on the label, reportedly will price for around $1 million USD per bottle.

The rare whiskey, which I’ve heard is going by the codename “Fairy Tale Whiskey,” started as an idea at a private meeting of the heads of the whiskey operations of the unnamed spirits giants. Several master distillers were secretly gathered as a result over a year ago and asked to dig through ancient warehouses loaded with golden trimmed whiskey barrels to inventory and prepare stock from now long shuttered distilleries for the most potent of all potent whiskey blending projects.

Several freshly crafted barrels made from the rarest and most endangered woods of the world were created in secret by master coopers. These barrels were then blessed by priests from multiple religions and, for further good luck, had the bellies of Buddhas secretly painted within so they could be rubbed over and over for ultimate success.

Are these the barrels tied to this ultra secret $1 million whiskey project? (image via Great Beyond/Flickr

Are these the barrels tied to this ultra secret $1 million whiskey project? (image via Great Beyond/Flickr)

The barrels, once arriving in Scotland, were filled under the light of a full moon with 52.15 to 95.2 year aged Scotch from distilleries whose now lost names are venerated in quiet whispers by old time Scots in the darkened quarters of local pubs. Bagpipe music was then played to the whisky for days on end to help the Scotch from these different operations blend better together.

On to Ireland these barrels went next, where again they were filled with the most ancient of whiskies as leprechauns poured pots of gold upon them and rainbows shined all around. Finally, after slowly floating across the Atlantic on a wind powered barge while mermaids and dolphins escorted it and it aged in prime ocean conditions, the blended whiskey arrived off the USA and was taken by train under cover of night to an old Kentucky distillery. It was here the final ingredient – ancient bourbon discovered from before Prohibition – was skillfully stirred in and married to the rest of this ancient spirit. Kentucky thoroughbreds then galloped gleefully in circles around the barrels to celebrate the final creation of this masterful product.

Where the barrels are now is shrouded in mystery, but it is said if a true whiskey lover knows the right secret web address to type in, they can find the right place on the Internet to register their intent to purchase one of the just 100 $1 million bottles, should they ever actually see the light of day.

Oh, yes, the bottles. I almost forgot those. These 100 ml decanters, crafted from one solid diamond per bottle, are stoppered with solid gold lids. Emerald and sapphire bits encrust the flanks of the bottle, and each is housed in a box carved from the teeth of whales. Truly a spectacular sight, or so I’ve been told.

So there you have it, the ultimate $1 million bottle of whiskey. Something truly once in a lifetime to behold, and something you learned about first here on The Whiskey Wash on April 1st.