Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and I know that means a lot of mixed feelings. In theory, there’s nothing wrong with celebrating the love in our lives, but there’s something about the whole exercise that seems a little…forced. Which faux-velvet heart-shaped box of waxy drugstore chocolates should you buy? Just how many jewelry commercials is it possible to air on the radio during the morning commute? Is there a grown woman anywhere on Earth who actually wants a teddy bear as a gift? It’s enough to drive me – to drive anybody – to drink.
Fortunately, there’s whiskey: the perfect antidote to Hallmark-induced malaise. No matter what your relationship status, there’s a whiskey out there for you and your loved one(s). And fortunately, the secret’s out that women love great whiskey as much as men do, so you no longer need to worry about navigating the minefield of lingerie sizing.
For the long-term lover
There’s nowhere the old adage, “give a gift you’d like to receive” holds true more than in the long-term relationship. You live together, so you might as well get something you’d enjoy having around, too. Pick out a bottle worth sharing, like Highland Park 18. Made by the northernmost distillery in Scotland, Highland Park 18 uses malt kilned with local, heather-y Orkney Island peat and is aged in sherry casks. Sweet, smoky, and subtly herbaceous, this is a malt to snuggle up with.
For the new thing
It’s been a month or two, and things are going great. Time to recognize success with a whiskey that makes your pulse race almost as fast as that new girl (or guy): Booker’s Bourbon. This small-batch, cask-strength bourbon is bottled at a heart-pounding 63.25 ABV, and pays homage to Booker Noe, Jim Beam’s grandson and 40-year Master Distiller at the Jim Beam distillery. The finish on this bourbon powerhouse has been described as “hot, long, spicy, and intense,” – coincidentally, exactly how your Valentine’s Day will wind up if you gift this one.
For your unhappily single friend
Fresh breakup? Don’t screw around with ice cream. You need something to get the job done. You need Mellow Corn (and a friend to drink it with). This 100 proof, Bottled-in-Bond straight corn whiskey made by Heaven Hill is beloved by bartenders for its bold flavor and so-retro-its-hip-again packaging. Plus, at $15 and some change on average, the price point is low enough you can stock up. Great paired with takeout and Fatal Attraction.
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For the smug solo sipper
You go out to eat on Valentine’s Day just for the schadenfreude of watching couples fight over who forgot to make the reservation. Your bed is always made (or unmade) just the way you like it, you never have to watch that lame BBC cop drama you hate, and Christmas is a chance for a tropical getaway, not a trip to the in-laws. Think of this holiday as nothing more than an occasion to treat yourself to exactly what you like. Like this bottle of Lagavulin 16, a canonical dram that routinely tops best-of lists. Its peaty, iodine-rich palate and incredibly long finish is unmistakable, inimitable, and totally one-of-a-kind – just like you.
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